I dont even know why I started it. Its all an excuse for him. I wasnt happy in our marriage so im justifying doing the things I want to do. I dont want to live like this. Like even though right now were not reconciling, were living in limbo, together, not a couple basically, but he has still been home every night, we discuss things, he lets me know if hes running late, those type of things.I dont know. When I confronted her she said she was depressed and disconnected. And a happy emotionally stable parent alone is better than the hell you are living in now. Years ago I could barely make it through an hour without crying. But looking back, the thing that I did that I shouldnt have done was I never stopped telling you that I loved you, and that I wanted to be with you. Then he doesnt come home until way later and doesnt think its a big deal. I feel humiliated by it all. Its called the Plan B. I have written a very long response but feel very weird posting it on here all about my life. And I get it bc I am exhausted too. His affair had nothing to do with me or our marriage. She doesnt trust him. Then, you started acting like This, so what all is there to know?. I thought we turned the corner. But the 180 specifically says no matter HOW you feel today, do not show it. But in an altered state they believe they are fine. He made that choice. He loves our daughter more than ANYTHING and I know that, and he knows he is a good dad but he also chooses to go out a lot and stay out until 3am and then claim he has no freedom. You cannot tell your H to leave and not enforce it. He wont hear or acknowledge that he has a problem so hes always out seeking validation from women. Forgiveness takes a long time. K. Seriously I am married to his twin lol. He became a different person overnight. He keeps saying that he was telling people I was still his girlfriend but that does not make sense. Even when I saw the phone logs in January, the next night, we went out with friends and had a great time. Im so sick of being sad! Not an issue. The term the fog can be described as being similar to being brain washed. WebMidlife Crisis: When The Fog Lifts, What Happens Next If your partner is going through a midlife crisis, youre probably anxious for signs that theyre coming out of midlife crisis Am I staying in bed too long in the morning with him? He said I am wrong and that he doesnt want this to keep coming up but also said it shouldnt matter, as we are not working on us right now regardless. He said that I am too impatient and I will never be convinced he isnt speaking to her. I had to put my kids first and coukd not just give up and roll into a ball. CLEARLY. What have I done here?. I had NO CLUE how a person could change in this way. I said my 2-3 sentences and left the room. I feel like an annoyance. Its like im just here, I just exist and as long as he can come home to see the baby and feel like im still around, then he feels good to live whatever life he wants. figueroa street shooting; jeffrey friedman chiropractor; gifted child humming; how to adjust sim max driver; midlife crisis when the fog lifts. I am telling you this to help you avoid the six months of hell I put myself through thinking I knew my H well enough to fix the situation, end the A and reconcile. I know that hurts, but that is probably the reality of the situation. So why would that upset me? He was still cheating. And now he says he has been trying to, but honestly I do not see that at all. He did not appear to be doing anything positive for you or your M. And you just know deep down you know you could have kept your mouth shut for the next six months and he would be coming home @ 2 am more often. Get your self together. Hes been addicted to online porn for a while and a few times he went beyond just getting his little kicks. Theyre in the affair, and they think theyre in love, and theyre going to have the other person no matter what, and they dont care. Ive just got to figure out what to do next. There are people like that. You have a good head on your shoulder and remember your daughter needs her mother because you are the stability in her life. Why? But it was my Hs idea to change. I use this when my kids lie or my H lies. These were all text messages he sent me, and I didnt respond to any for the rest of the day. Quite often the reasons exploredfor this unusual and often moody, hurtful behavior run the gamut from depression to midlife crisis to temporary insanity. You can get past this. He would tell me if he had a work dinner or working late (or traveling etc). Tell him that this is not what you expected when you married and had children. But its like I just continue on thinking okay maybe we can just be friends right now of some sort and then start our relationship over in a new way.But I just dont know the right moves to make living in the same house. I am 31, married almost 3 years (together 9) with a new 5 month old baby. And I believed it. And thats fine, I mean I dont even know. And sooner or later you will decide what you choose to do. And now I feel like hes just gone to work and is thinking gosh shes so miserable. Im sure im going to be extremely sad and depressed about this in a days time, I know its going to be so hard. I am moving on and focusing on my self. Rock bottom is when they have nothing left to lose. I just let him know the facts do not add up. So DDay2 I told him I was D him b/c I could no longer live with him cheating. I thought we reconciled. I say this b/c the few people that know about his affair would have bet $1mil he would never be that guy who cheated. That she loved me. Not trying to change a situation or behavior. Im not saying D him. When I decided to go back to him I told myself I have forgiven him and chosen to trust him. I mean, there was this, and then that odd thing. YOU let him contact you. He eventually got sober and moved back home and the salvaged their marriage. He was SERIOUSLY the best guy ever, before the OW. Right now he still doesnt care if he loses me. But he gets very worked up and says a lot of things out of anger that really hurt me, so I ended up walking away from the argument. Im removing myself from it, not the baby. Im sorry for rambling! Its like im suffocating him just by existing honestly. But I get so upset bc I know if he is still speaking with her, he should in NO WAY be living in our home. A 2 time looser. They both state no sex but I dont believe it. Im serious on that sorry to say. Even if its wrong. I got home last night and he was home from work and he was in a great mood. Its funny you said those 2 options bc during our argument the other day he said something like we will never get past this unless you see it my way, or something like that. Webmidlife crisis when the fog lifts. And sometimes I feel like when all is said and done, he is going to finally see this for what it is and see how WRONG this affair was and how much he has disrespected me. Once I got my power back I changed for the better. He tells me I need to find someone who will love me like I need and deserve. He may try to blame you. I dont know why I am doing anything I do these days. Not a bar hound who cant or wont pick up the phone and continues to disappear. When a persons eyes are opened, there is no going back. That is when he would swear he did not want to leave. I redefined our marriage and I stopped being a doormat and put myself first. And if youre an ex-cheater, please chime in on how you were finally able to emerge from the fog. You have to make a choice. The stress and anxiety was hard to face. Hold your head up and be strong. A month later we went to the workshop. Swell.. The fog has a powerful hold on the CS. There is no excuse for cheating and doing what he is doing. I hope that it is. Unfortunately I was. In our house its almost as if hes dead because of how hes totally abandoned us. He will clean up the kitchen while I sit reading a book. Just remember he is addicted to his new lifestyle. Its not a M. Did he fight for you? His affair resumed 6 weeks later with same OW and in 2 months asked for divorce. You tell the spouse the truth. Waiting for him to make a decision can only last so long. And I dont know what I will do bc I will be absolutely devastated. If Your H exhibits addict like behavior. We have come a long way and he has worked hard to gain my trust back but I sure do miss the innocent trust that I once had! You are giving him every opportunity to repair the M. He is choosing not to. Me, I would have not reacted immediately to a strange text I accidently saw. It is an addiction. The second issue is the one I cannot figure out and it makes no sense to me (or you). Thanks in advance! He changed. The concert would have gone until like 1 at the earliest. I dont even know what to DOOOOOO at this point. He told me I only married him to spite my parents. I guess it depends on how thick of a fog youre in. And Im not saying my confrontation w/my H stopped his A at DDay2. And you have also posed how the 180 is necesssry for you. My CH didnt really seem to be an a fog and just cut all contact with the OW. We discussed him getting his own place might work out better. BUT.writes he hasnt given up on us yet! But the thing to take into consideration is that after D-day we go into a type of fog ourselves. In your case your H wants a M on his terms. Unfortunately the spouse is the unwitting victim. The damage has been done. I found out (6 months pregnant) that he was having an affair. So I had the same issue with two people in my household at the same time!!! I did everything to make his life easy. Unfortunately you are being responsible and he is not. No texts or calls or emails or contact from you. You will never trust the cheater 100% but you can reconcile and trust 98%. For my own peace of mind. Nothing YOU do is going to destroy your M. Whether you argue or beg or plead or ignore or act nice or are too calm none of this will have any impact. I think thats helpful. For the same of this marriage I plead to give at least a year, but nothing is improving, after 5 months past, & at the same time, their relationship is growing stronger & more stronger. It is like he tricks himself to believe he wasnt out that long. Dont be me. Not open to discussion. And I wonder if he will be with her if we permanently split, even though when I bring her up he says things about her as if he doesnt care about her, but I think back to the texts I read between them in January and I just want to melt away. He was kicking me to the curb but when I asked him to leave he realized I was out of patience. Then after a month or so of that (or maybe 2, I dont even remember at this point) he said he wanted to start staying the night to help me more, which happened to be after I told him I was moving on with or without him. H has not cracked the book yet, 6 weeks later. And Im going to get a good therapist to talk to. Great! I would ask him why cant I get the CH to stop this or do that. She denies that she has continued the EA but that she has been in contact with the OM. Bc this is absolutely awful. Complete disrespect. I found out his wife was a 3rd grade teacher found her email her Facebook page with recent happy photos of them he would always be busy on weekends but said he had his daughter on weekends I saw their home address and the home was for sale ! Although he has been. If you would have said, This has got to end or Im leaving, or Im taking the kids with me, You have got to get out, or whatever, I think that would have expedited the fog disappearing a lot faster. At DDay2 I realized I was a doormat and since for the third time he wanted a D / I finally told him it was OK by me but I was D him. You are wasting your time. Then its over. THATS PART OF THE PROBLEM..its so very frustrating. He fantasized about escape. They believe this new love is real. Wow! Im hoping that today and yesterday feel SO awful bc he is out of town and its just making me crazy, I am hoping once he is back in town I will not feel this horrible. But THIS MAN isnt him. In addition, I have been trying so hard that I have told her that she can keep her AP and her family too. That they are friends. d. You suggest MC for you as a couple. You deserve better. He is in the babys life. For two months I acted controlled and transparent. Not any more. after 9-11 when people went to wok and did not come home you would THINK he would get it. As if I got them from another man or something, ya right. I can kick him out for sure and maybe he will be sad for a few days, but im left completely devastated, thinking of all the good times we used to have. I played along b/c I had no $ to my name. ANYWAY I counsel people now, nothing structured but friends and 2nd connections. So you have some idea of what you are facing like if you split up and its a no fault divorce state what is the % you get for alimony and what % for child support etc. Its so much pain. It is a nightmare that keeps reoccurring. Youre absolutely right. They are blinded by the reality of who the other man or woman really is. I am going to go speak to a therapist, I think that will help. If not see ya. Because of 2 abortions and now too old to have babies realisation that she will never be a mum had hit home. You need him to be a man. So there was nothing I could do to change his mind or his heart. So is his snide comments that you seeing another guy. And then hes accusing me of turning his kids against him because they dont respond to him and why should they. And do not mention the OW for now. I lived through a 4 year EA my H had with a girl in grad school. I think you did the best thing given the options you had. The only fog he appeared to have was to think she was an innocent party. I told him his actions show he wants a different life, he wants to be in the bar most days after work, hanging out with people I dont know. I do fear nights that he starts to not come home at all. Last week I had a suspicion that he was continuing to talk to the OW, and I had a minor blow up. He realized how disrespectful it was. We continued on but his trust issues just went out of control and I resent him everytime he thinks im cheating and everytime he accuses me of cheating, it drives me to go cheat. For context, I cheated and my wife and I worked through it. Yes it might be indeed. He pays half the college expenses AND not just tuition. But wait already did. I remained calm and steady. But if they dont want it to end them the CS will find fine way to continue the A. Trying to help them. Further damage is done by having to struggle through getting the truth. but are separated now and she moved out to find her self. I keep hoping he wakes up and gets it. I feel like if I just let go he will come around and wake up and see what hes losing. Things outside the marriage is much more appealing to him right now than things inside the marriage, and that sucks. Then the next day he sent me a text after I left for work asking why I thought he was still speaking to her. That is how far our dynamics have changed. They have court up once and spent the night together but didt have sex. It may not be in every case. A father. If the symptoms are Go to the library or the mall and just disappear on him. And you can tell him one day its okay by me if you want to leave. Everybodys got to realize that no matter what you try, more than likelyits not going to happen right away. Doug: In our situation, in your opinion, what do you think really worked as far as getting me out of the fog? Yet he did nothing towards trying to restore the M. He would be nice here and there but then cold, distant and non-communicative other times. I dont understand it. He gets his head out of his butt and realizes what he has done. Do you know if I will get your email address sent to me? I just want to be the best version of myself that I can possibly be. We live as roommates. He is supposed to move in with me in a few months and I dont know how that will work. You tell him that you have noticed that he is not willing to be a family. Marriages can be ruined by cheating. What is 'affair fog'? - USA 18 Reasons why NOT to have an affair - After My Affair Finally, we would really like to hear from you about what you think has to happen to get the cheating spouse out of the affair fog so they can begin to behave more rationally and realistically. And then went running back to her in the fall. When I wanted to try and talk he refused. I have always been the most important person to him, I know he has loved me more than he loved ANYONE in his life, like I was just the one thing that really mattered, and now I feel like I dont matter and im so confused by that. You take a step back. I left and am now sleeping at a friends house. K. Im glad things have calmed down a bit for you. I dont know where his head is right now, I dont know if hes leaning towards divorce, but I do think hes still talking to original OW and im sure she pushed that. He does not deserve you do not allow this man to treat you this way ever get rid of him and find someone that will love you care for you and respect you. Second was he was proving he was changing. Its as if inside he was thinking we would end up back together after a while if we just let things play out, but now ive ruined that by constantly pushing and pushing. HORRIBLE. I know how maddening that is. Part of me really does believe him when he says they arent speaking. But if I say that he says WE DONT ALWAYS HAVE TO BE TOGETHER! I need to give him his freedom and show him im ok giving him that freedom, but then I have moments where I feel like im being walked all over. This is about you and your M and his choices and behavior. Absolutely smart on your part. I think its harder for him to disconnect from her because he is totally having his cake and eating it too. He seems unwilling right now to make much effort. Could be he is no longer that interested in going out . When I was asking for is to go to counseling he said no. All that said, I feel like my kids need the dad back that they know. Strong focused and determined. DO NOT ASK IF HE IS LYING. I hope he comes to his senses. I am being the exact opposite of what she is finding attractive in this other man. And I know hes still in there somewhere, but maybe his love for me is just not what it was. You tried everything else. Its been a few weeks since ive written. But right now having been through your exact situation your H cannot do what he is doing. For the life of me I cannot remember where, so I cant give proper credit, but here it is anyways. If he declines to discuss honestly, refuses MC and will not try to compromise, then you will soon realize you have nothing to work with. I cant even BELIEVE it has been so many months of dealing with this. Because I just dont want to be that person. K. I suggested the lawyer so you know your rights just in case. Take care of yourself first. He admits now that my requests to please call if late was very reasonable. Ouch! If you no longer want him to hang out in bars w/out you present, then you need to clearly state that during MC or in your talks to him. I said it was disrespectful for him to not send me a quick text just saying he wouldnt be home to help put the baby to sleep. But the minute I pull away, he gets a little scared. Linda: Yes. I cant explain it, I do know he loves me, but its almost as if he doesnt realize how much he loves me until he no longer has me. I was afraid to upset you, I was afraid to do anything that would look negatively on me, and I regret all that. I dont want to live under her thumb. When thats not it at all. Again, I wish SO BADLY that a few weeks ago when I asked him to leave and we left on decent terms and he reached out multiple times a day and was terrified to lose me, I wish I had stuck to that and continued to let him feel the loss of me. There may be many OW not just the one he is no longer talking to. Then he texted me and said he would be out of the house asap and said so you dont think im fit to be a part of the babys life?.and when he says things like this I dont understand bc I never said that. I hope you find a good counselor to support you through this. its exactly what I need to do, and I know it. in the comment section below. I changed many behaviors, but she seems unwilling to meet me there. They may have convinced themselves that their marriage was already bad, that their partner really didnt love them, and that the affair partner must truly be their soulmate because he or she is the only one who understands them. We laugh, we talk about normal things. And when she told me they were s seeing each other it explained everything. Exactly. My H never complained he had no freedom. Or prettier. The Affair Recovery Group sessions were conducted with Marriage and Family Therapist, Jeff Murraha few years ago (a little over a year out from our D-day), at a time that was actually quite crucial to our own recovery and healing. Im saying you change by re-defining your marriage. No more hateful texts. I was shaking I was so angry. But karma is coming and I hope you get to see what happens to people who take advantage of someones good nature. I think thats all part of it. Sounds like he knows that he is all you have and takes it for granted. No caring respectable H does that and I would venture to say the OW has been lurking in your M the past few months. Will he EVER come out of this fog he has created or is this just the new reality he has created? Doubtful your leaving would have stopped the affair. I was calm and practical and told him if he does not want to be married any more (after 25 years) feel free to go. He may never want to work on us, especially if we continue life how it is right now. And when I was, I didnt take it. (Ive told you this so im sure I sound like a broken record) and then I let him come back home and the whole cycle started again of us slowly morphing back into our relationship and he gets scared saying its going too fast and hes afraid everything will go right back to what it was. It was definitely the biggest argument we have had in a long time. NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING you do will push him away. And I wonder if your H isnt trying for the same thing. It always seems to start as friendship and its like if they bite, (to any kind of online sex chat thing or whatever) he would bite back. And its these thoughts that deter me from the 180, bc when I have thoughts like this I just want to tell him he should go. When you dont engage any longer he wont know what to do. Its all hes BEEN doing, so why do I still always give him the benefit of the doubt as if he is above it. WebThe Real Roots of Midlife Crisis The Atlantic | December 2014 T HIS summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. The thrill of the affair envelopes the wayward partner in good feelings, and the excitement can be overwhelming. You tell him you want to talk openly and honestly. But re/read 1 and 2 above. That is where I was st DDay2. Unfortunately, hed driven the damage to hell and back before I got the resolve to take it away. I said no. Its so weird. He is probably cheating too but I dont care or try to know or find out. Saying we wont ever be able to move past this unless I magically wake up and see that im this controlling person who didnt appreciate him, etc. I told him it is time for me to focus on what I want out of life for myself. Because it is not a M. Thats for sure. My H had one. I very rarely said no to him to being out with his friends without me. It financially protects me. But he was in the fog and it was awful. I wish people could hear how highly he speaks of himself and how he will choose to be home with the baby over doing anything else, yet this past week alone he was in the bar 4 nights. I ask about them calmly Are you in contact with Deanna phone, text or email? Looks me dead in the eye, and without blinking says No. But he never made any of this clear to me until AFTER the A and him telling me he wasnt in love with me anymore, then changing his mind 2 days later, then changing his mind a few days later, over and over and over until 2 months later I realized he was having the A all along and I had no idea about it. Its not him TRYING to hurt ME, its him just WANTING other things MORE than he wants the marriage.
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